User blog:Jerzas/some thoughts
so with my anniversary of my grandma's death recently, I've been doing some reflecting and thinking about the whole situation and I'd thought I'd just type it up, not only to share but for my own benefit. Anyway, before my grandma passed away, things were fairly stable. I finished sophomore year with good grades and I'd had a good summer. For me personally, this was where I was beginning to falter, I could feel myself changing and myself becoming envoloped in a dark cloud but it was never a major concern, I was still happy. I would say that for about the 2 years before my grandma died, I was the most stable and happy i'd been in Dubai. My grandma was someone that although had, had serious health problems in the passed, was relatively healthy and very active. She was always travelling and doing part-time work up until her death. She was the last person anyone would've expected to pass away. Unfortunately, she suffered a heart attack and despite our hope that she would pull through, she passed away a couple of weeks later. I never got to see her, the last time I'd seen her was in June earlier in the year. This for me, is when everything fell apart. My dad shut down, completely. Whilst I repsect that it was his mother, he probably had the worst relationship with her out of all of us. He didn't get on particularly well with her and I think it was his guilt that affected him. For my mum, she also was extremely close to my grandma and she was devastated but she carried on for everyone. For me, I was forced to grow up, I couldn't be a teenager anymore, my dad had shut down and it was up to me to step in to make sure my mum had some form of support at home. My dad is (because of laws) the only one who works and he fucked that up, he lied and made false promises that tore us apart and left us with almost nothing. My mum tried to keep everything together but it was down to me to be the support for this, to help raise my brother and sister. It was then that my dad started getting abusive. I honestly don't remember a lot of it, but it was as close to physical abuse as possible, it's hazy, my mind blocked so much of it out, I can only remember pieces. I remember cowering in a corner, I think I was slapped, I'm sure he had his hand round my throat at one point. Because I couldn't grieve and deal with my grandma's death, I had reacted in different ways. I became absent from school, not wanting to go in and feeling I would be better elsewhere. I went out with friends and drank heavily, and even tried smoking which I swore I would never do. I wasn't myself and it's something that I'm not proud of nor can forgive myself for the way I acted. I'm not making excuses for myself but this was how I grieved and it caused friction with my dad. I guess I deserved what I got for being difficult. I left for a while, I spent 3 months living elsewhere before I came back (I fucked up there as well), when I came back, my dad was no longer as violent but the emotional abuse remains as does the threat of violence (just earlier I was screamed at :/). Since I've been back, I've had to continue being the support, but as my dad dealt with stuff and got back on track, he wanted to return to the forefront, be the main support again and since it had been down to me for so long, I was reluctant (and still am) to let go of it. It's the only thing I have left. Without being a support for someone, I'm nothing. I don't have school anymore, I don't have anywhere else to go, being supportive is all I can do and he wants that job back - but at the same time he's half-assed in doing so bc he's unable to deal with stuff. I guess it's the main friction between me and my dad and as much as I would never turn my back on someone, I do hate him and I really want nothing to do with him anymore. I tried a lot to fix things but it's impossble. He doesn't care about me unless I'm his verbal punching bag. Throughout this whole ordeal, my mind's just got more and more fucked up. The clouds above my head have turned dark and as I sit here, I don't know my next step. Losing my grandma has changed me, I wasn't allowed to be the high spirited teenager I used to be, I was forced to change and at the same time lose myself and my happiness. It's been 3 years now and I can't remember being happy or being free of stress and pain and sadness. I don't remember what it was like to be a teenager anymore. I'm not after sympathy, I just wanted to get this out, to vent. Category:Blog posts